Coping with my first heartbreak.

I have been in a relationship that wasn’t the best for the last 3 years. I loved my partner tremendously, and I’m almost certain she felt the same way about me. Love alone got us through those 3 years. We never really got along. Not sure how we fell in love but we did. The deeper we went into our relationship, the worse my temper got. Ultimately that’s what would kill this relationship. I would yell, break things, damage our living space, damage her personal items. Then I would calm down and we would forgive and forget. Obviously that kind of pattern got exhausting after some time. 3 years later, I pushed her to the point of no return. It was just a regular argument, nothing out of the ordinary. But it was as they say, the straw that broke the camels back. I yelled, threw a pair of boots (not at her) and was super aggressive with her when she tried to get some space. 3 days later she had moved on and was with someone else. That broke me to a point that I couldn’t even breathe. I felt like my world had just ended, and it had. I never meant to drive her away. I loved her beyond a shadow of a doubt and she knew it. My temper was just out of control and I never tried to get help, I just allowed it destroy my relationship. And now she’s gone and I’m trying to cope. This was my first real meaningful relationship so it’s been ridiculously hard.
Now I have to rebuild. I have to get my smile back, and realize I can have it without having a partner. I have to regain purpose because my last 3 years were dedicated solely on her and making her happy. I guess it was a waste of time bc she still ended up unhappy. It feels like the end of the world every time I see her face or hear her name.. And I think about her relentlessly. But time will heal me, and I’ll be stronger. I’ll know how to love the next person. I’ll know how to love myself.
I plan on writing on my blog daily until I don’t wanna burst out crying at the thought of my life. With hopes that maybe someone else will relate and realize it gets better. At least that’s what I’m told. I’m just praying that it’s true. Until next time..

Weekly Writing Challenge: Haiku Catchoo!

what is life, after life?

I’ve spent quite a bit of time thinking about what could possibly happen after death. Is it as simple as killing a fly, or slaughtering a cow for food..are we just gone? What makes humans any different from any other living species, that we speculate on the various things that could possibly happen once we take our final breath. In the event that humans do in fact have a hell of an afterlife awaiting them, comes the next tough question…what it is? Is it plausible to believe that we are living in a world where there are in fact Gods? Or if not specifically a God, could there possibly be a higher power? When thinking about the afterlife, it’s not too hard to find our imagination running wild. After all, the only people who would be able tell us whats real or whats not..can not, obviously. So no matter what, all views on the afterlife will always be simple a speculation.

I asked my peers to give me their opinions on what they believe will happen. I had some people who believed that there is a God awaiting them, and I had others who believed that we are just simply…dead. My favorite response was one that came from my boss. His perspective was one that made me question our existence all together. Is there any real proof, that we really exist? He made a point that when we sleep, our dreams exist only within our mind. So how are we really sure that when we are conscious, that we are, in fact, conscious? Who’s to say that our dreams aren’t different realities, and how are we to confirm which reality is actually reality? The mind is a powerful, powerful thing.

As I pondered his response, it made more and more sense to me. When we regain consciousness, either from sleep or some other experience, we quickly lose memory of what happened during that period of time. This usually happens just seconds after awakening. Sigmund Freud’s theory on this is that when we don’t remember certain aspects of a dream, it’s our brain’s way of blocking out wishes or longings that we’re not emotionally equipped to handle. If this is true, are we as human beings not emotionally able to grasp the concept of other realities existing?

With all that was aforementioned, how much closer are we to understanding the afterlife? Not much closer at all. If the idea of human existence were false, and we are actually living from reality to reality, not conscious of what is happening… what does that mean for our death? Do we die in one reality, but live on in another? Do we essentially switch roles in our personal movies? Metaphorically speaking, of course. If that is the case, we never really die. We just move on, to another form, another life. The thought is quite enticing, actually.

Tj thinks about it. Do you?